You state:
it really isn't a particularly subjective or opinion-based question
and yet then state:
I'm having a similar issue, and none of the provided answers are proving particularly helpful
If it truly wasn't opinion-based or subjective then the accepted answer and/or upvoted answers would work for you in your environment as well. As it stands, the answers are educated opinions of how to handle the issue of patch management.
I think Voretaq's answer and especially his first Wikipedia link more than covered it for what the OP was after. His answer should at least have spurred you on to further research online to zero in on solutions for your particular environment.
All that said, there isn't anything wrong with GOOD subjective questions here, but they still end up being scrutinized like crazy and often closed when they tiptoe the line of being product recommendations in disguise.