Ok, I'll bite.

We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

ServerFault is supposed to be for *professional* sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".

Maybe phrase it as:

> **You need more support than we can provide**.
>
>From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

Or perhaps (incoming attempt by Wesley...)

> **ServerFault is for Professional system and network administrators**
> 
> It appears from the context of your question and comments that you are
> not acting in a professional capacity as a system or network
> professional. While you may be tasked with duties that mimic such a
> professional, your skills and primary responsibilities are not within
> the realm of the allowed audience. Please consider hiring someone with
> the proper skillset to prevent damage to your systems and data. We can
> no longer continue to help and thus risk creating greater dangers than
> what are already present.