This question was, I concede, initially poorly constructed. It got an immediate downvote and garnered the necessary votes to close/hold it.
It has evolved and now I dare to differ that - how to configure detailed monitoring of a server's internal operations - is directly related to system administration and that this is the appropriate stack for it. I'm confident you'll sort me out if I'm mistaken.
I've worked on the problem for a few days and can now add a comprehensive answer; it's really not as silly a question as it may have initially appeared; there are, imho, poor and/or undocumented bits and bobs required to get the desired results.
But I suspect it needs someone to reopen in order for me to answer it with what I've learned. thx.