Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. And I think you're right, Ubuntu 16.04 is probably my best bet in this environment.

@Iain Done and done.

I really would love to not have to use Ubuntu 14.04. But I can't. No amount of consideration on my part will change the fact that deploying a new OS in production environments is a massive undertaking. Using a different OS is of course in the back of my mind when considering bugs in something as core as the init system.

Yeah, I was going to cross post to AU, but I didn't want to do it too quickly and be spammy. It's not that the advice wouldn't solve my problem, just that it's so obvious as to be unnecessary.