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OK, I’lll bite.

We need a “You have no idea what you are doing; hire a professional” close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

Server Fault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is “hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing”.

Maybe phrase it as,

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals; novice questions like this are off-topic, and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

Ok, I'll bite.

We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

ServerFault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".

Maybe phrase it as:

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

Ok, I'll bite.

We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

ServerFault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".

Maybe phrase it as:

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

OK, I’lll bite.

We need a “You have no idea what you are doing; hire a professional” close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

Server Fault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is “hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing”.

Maybe phrase it as,

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals; novice questions like this are off-topic, and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

Ok, I'll bite.

We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

ServerFault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".

Maybe phrase it as:

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.

Or perhaps (incoming attempt by Wesley...)

ServerFault is for Professional system and network administrators

It appears from the context of your question and comments that you are not acting in a professional capacity as a system or network professional. While you may be tasked with duties that mimic such a professional, your skills and primary responsibilities are not within the realm of the allowed audience. Please consider hiring someone with the proper skillset to prevent damage to your systems and data. We can no longer continue to help and thus risk creating greater dangers than what are already present.

Ok, I'll bite.

We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.

ServerFault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".

Maybe phrase it as:

You need more support than we can provide.

From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.