As everyone should be aware by now, a new off-topic close dialog has been implemented network-wide.
The new system offers us the opportunity to customize our off-topic close reasons, and This post is here to allow the community to propose and vote on our custom off-topic reasons.
We are allowed three custom reasons by default, though this may be expanded with appropriate justification.
Ok, I'll bite.
We need a "You have no idea what you are doing, hire a professional" close reason, but without sounding as condescending as that.
ServerFault is supposed to be for professional sysadmins. Well meaning novices/amateurs/non-sysadmins-tasked-with-sysadmin-tasks should be and feel welcome, but for people who are a mile up shit creek without a paddle, quite frequently the best answer is "hire somebody who actually knows what he is doing".
Maybe phrase it as:
You need more support than we can provide.
From your question and/or responses, it is very clear that you are not a professional systems administrator but are in need of one. Server Fault is a site dedicated to professionals, novice questions like this are off-topic and the best advice we can give you is to hire a professional to help you out.
Very clear by replacing it with likely or quite apparent. This would make it a little less insulting to any professionals that do post crap questions, (although they often deserve insulting for asking crap questions). I think it's better for them to take something constructive from the message and feel inclined to fix it, rather than being annoyed by it and never come back here. Also, as voretaq7 suggested, I'd avoid the use of Novice.
or you are asking about software or hardware that isn't typically supported by professional systems administrators.
Pre-Filled Reason #1
Questions about hardware or software used in a home setting are off-topic because they require answers that may not be practical for the business and support professionals here. Questions about home or personal environments may be appropriate on Super User instead.
This not a professional variant refocuses on the question, not the user.
(Blatantly borrowed from SO)
Questions must demonstrate a minimal understanding of the problem being solved. Include attempted solutions, why they didn't work, and the expected results. See How can I ask better questions on Server Fault? for further guidance.
Not a Professional
Server Fault is a site for professional system and network administrators. Your question does not appear to meet our standards for being asked "in a professional capacity", possibly because you are not a professional system or network administrator, or due to lack of research. Consider updating your question with what you have tried/found based on your research, or hiring a professional with the necessary skills and expertise to help you.
I like:
Needs Additional Research
Server Fault is a site for professional system and network administrators. To best assist with your issue, please try doing some of your own research and make an educated attempt at resolving it first then asking a question with more detail, such as including relavent log files and/or configuration details. If you're not comfortable doing this on your own, consider hiring a professional.
Pre-Filled Reason #3
Questions seeking product, service, or learning material recommendations are off-topic because they tend to become obsolete quickly. Instead, describe your situation and the specific problem you're trying to solve.
For when they're on the right track, but are thinking too high in the clouds.
Your question appears to be too abstract to do well here. We prefer to handle questions with concrete answers. Questions that call for vague answers where we have to guess at a lot of the fundamentals, or don't actually have concrete answers, don't do well. It's likely that this can be resolved by rewording the question to be more specific, by supplying more information about your environment, or focusing on just a single, particular problem you're experiencing.
<snip>thirty-page text dump</snip> How can I fix it?"
For the worst of the cPanel questions...
Questions concerning the use of shared web hosting by end users or resellers, rather than the administration of web hosting, are off-topic. Contact your hosting provider for assistance.
This would be nice for issues where someone is complaining about things like where to download a module for some software from, or how to get an ISP to fix an issue with their peering or provide different hardware.
Your question would best be resolved by an inquiry to your vendor's support service, as it requires action on their part. Server Fault can help you find answers to questions, but not fix bugs in software or tell you how to bypass working with your vendor.
Another try at a product-recommendation question. This one includes links to relevant meta articles, and advice for improving it.
Your question appears to be looking for product, service, or learning materials recommendations. ServerFault considers these off-topic because they're too broad to answer, or too localized to your situation to be of use to anyone but you. They're also massive spam magnets. Please refocus this question to solve a specific technical problem, and don't focus on which specific product/service to use.
Note, the learning-materials link will go to a new meta-post describing why we consider education, something all sysadmins should be doing constantly, to be off-topic. We don't seem to have a good meta-post for that yet.
I've seen this float by a few times as well. It happens often, though I'm not sure it happens often enough to be a canonical close reason.
This question appears to be off-topic because it is about bypassing a policy set up by a system administrator.
The scenario in question no longer exists or the problem has gone away without intervention; no solution is possible or necessary. Potential solutions to this problem are therefore of little use to future readers; if you are experiencing a similar problem, please open a new question.
For times that the asker resolves the question by inquiry to their vendor, having a bug fixed, or nuking their environment.
Along the same theme as the "hire a professional" answers, but phrased perhaps more agreeable:
Tech Support Request
ServerFault is a question and answer site for professional system and network administrators. It is specifically not a forum for primary tech support.
Not sure where to send the asker, though. Perhaps SF needs a "careers" subdomain like SO has where we can users who need to find a support professional.
Not a Professional
(WesleyDavid's variant)
ServerFault is for Professional system and network administrators
It appears from the context of your question and comments that you are not acting in a professional capacity as a system or network professional. While you may be tasked with duties that mimic such a professional, your skills and primary responsibilities are not within the realm of the allowed audience. Please consider hiring someone with the proper skillset to prevent damage to your systems and data. We can no longer continue to help and thus risk creating greater dangers than what are already present.
We get some things which are probably not for home use or dev use, but are certainly not professional either. I could see this close reason being used with a "how to cPanel" question or a problem someone is having with their shared hosting provider.
Server Fault is a site for professional systems and network administrators seeking help managing their production environments. Your question pertains to something which would never reasonably be encountered in a professionally managed environment or in the course of its management.
Pre-Filled Reason #2
Questions about software development are off-topic here, but can be asked on Stack Overflow.